K. Epperson

Happiness is Overrated. Here are 5 Reasons Why.

Everyone wants happiness, right? To be truly happy, now that’s a goal worth having. Do what makes you happy.

Actually? Happiness is overrated. Here are 5 reasons why:

Unhappiness can lead to growth.

In 2006, my father was experiencing flu-like symptoms. This went on for weeks. He couldn’t seem to shake it. Then he started having night sweats. After a while, he went to the doctor to figure out what was going on.

He was quickly diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.

Those unpleasant symptoms led to his diagnosis and treatment. If he had not experienced those symptoms, he would never have sought medical attention. And he most assuredly would have died, as a result. He lived an additional 14 years without one recurrence of lymphoma.

Much like physical symptoms help our bodies realize something isn’t right, our mental unhappiness can help us realize that something is off in our lives.

Sometimes the change needed is external. Perhaps we need to change our environment, our job, or where we live. But sometimes, the change is internal. Maybe we need to change our attitude about something. Maybe our spiritual life needs nourishment. Perhaps we need to seek counseling.

(As an aside, I’m a big proponent of counseling, and not just for “crises.” Sometimes you can have a wonderful life and just need an outside perspective. Counseling is great for those times.)

Unhappiness can be a good warning signal that something is out of alignment. In those times we need our unhappiness to help us grow.

Unhappiness can lead to gratitude.

Last winter, we traveled one weekend to visit family. When we came back home, we returned to below freezing temperatures… and a broken thermostat. Our house was around 50°F, and it would only go down from there.

Needless to say, I wasn’t happy.

But with the help of local friends (and just wonderful people), we not only got our heat restored, but we were able to function in the meantime. But the day we got our thermostat fixed, I’ve never been so grateful for heat. It was glorious.

But I was grateful for other things, too. I was grateful for those who had come to our rescue. I was grateful for the adventure and story that came out of the whole ordeal. My daughters slept in the bed with my husband and me to conserve heaters and stay warm. It was the most miserable night of “sleep” I’ve ever had. But those memories? They’ll last forever.

That short period of unhappiness led to some good memories and a lot of gratitude.

Happiness is temporary.

“Happiness is a mindset.” “Choose happiness.” “Happiness is in your control.”

I appreciate the value in these statements, because there is certainly truth in them. However, those statements can only go so far.

The fact is, everyone has bad days. Those are influenced by a lot of factors. And in those moments, it’s not your job to “will yourself” to be happy. The happiness will come again. It’s okay that it’s not there at the moment. Just make the best decisions you can in the moment and let the emotions follow at their own speed.

Case in point: Let’s say you have a chronic illness. You wake up in the morning with a lot of pain. It’s not going to be a good day, physically. You probably aren’t going to be “happy” in that moment. And that’s okay. If you feel guilty because you’re not happy about your pain, then you’ll end up feeling even worse.

Our goal isn’t to be happy at all times. Our goal is to say, “I’m not happy right now. But I know that in the end, it will all be okay.”

It’s easy to mistake other emotions with happiness.

We are experts at self-deception. Sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking we’re happy, when it’s actually something completely different.

Infatuation, feeling flattered, excitement, lust, a sugar-high, safety, comfort, all of these can easily be misconstrued as happiness. They’re not the same.

That’s why celebrities who are “so happy for the first time in my life” on the cover of a magazine one week “have been unhappy for a long time” two months later.

Not every positive emotion is happiness. And if we live our lives seeking the next hit of positive emotions, we’ll be disappointed and extremely unhappy.

Happiness is an outgrowth.

Seeking happiness is like quitting your job to go search for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Happiness will come and go, but long-lasting contentment and purpose are within reach by living a meaningful life.

Happiness is not a goal… it’s a by-product of a life well lived.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

For those that like sports analogies, my husband coaches women’s basketball, and the team most definitely wants to win. But they do that by improving their skills and playing the game well. Winning is a by-product of perfecting your game, both mentally and physically.

So while I do wish happiness for you, I hope you experience something much better than that. I hope you find purpose, meaning, and conviction. If you find those things, happiness will take care of itself.

Happiness is Overrated. Here are 5 Reasons Why. Read More »

Have FOMO? Here’s How to Deal With It.

Uncategorized / kepperson2

forking road, split road, travel-839830.jpg

The fear of missing out, or FOMO, is real. Don’t believe me? Look at your phone. How many notifications are on there? Photos? We have streaming services with recording options so we don’t miss watching a show. Social media exists. We have multiple news channels dedicated to 24/7 news.

FOMO isn’t just real, it’s an epidemic.

No one really likes to admit they have a fear of missing out. At least, not by judging how many memes there are on “living in the moment.” Or some similar platitude. And yet, how many times have we missed out on actual conversations because we were afraid of missing out on virtual conversations?

I’m guilty.

So how do we embrace the idea of “missing out”? How do we accept the possibility of being left out, even if it means living a better life? Here are some easy ways to help treat FOMO:

Repeat me: You can’t have it all.

Does that sound defeatist? Maybe so. But embracing that unpleasant reality can actually help us lead more focused lives. Everything we do involves a trade-off.

That actress who seems to never age? She most likely traded a lot of time and money for that look. That person who is at the top of their career? They traded a lot of other opportunities to get there. That celebrity who is always in the “hottest relationship” of the year? They have to sacrifice familial stability and a LOT of privacy for that new fling.

No one has it all. But some have the most important things. The difference? Priorities. You have to do a deep dive and decide what your priorities really are.

We like to say generic things like health or family. Those are certainly noble priorities, but are we willing to sacrifice to get them? Am I willing to give up time on my phone so I can fully invest in my family? Am I willing to give up soda or get up early to exercise before work?

If our professed priorities don’t line up with our habits, then we are living in a state of disconnect. That’s a great way to stay frustrated.

By accepting that we can’t have it all, we can get down to figuring out what those most important things are. Then work toward those, and the rest is just the proverbial icing on the cake.

Play “worst case scenario.”

My father used to do this exercise with me, and it really helped when I felt overwhelmed. I would be worried about “what if” scenarios and get myself worked up. Anxious.

He would stop me and ask, “Let’s assume you’re right. So then what?”

I would go through the worst case scenario. Most of the time, I realized the worst case wasn’t really all that bad. I could live with it. When you know you can handle the worst, you gain confidence moving forward.

So what if you miss out on that event? What will really happen if you forget to wish someone a Happy Birthday because you weren’t on Facebook that day? Is your workplace going to collapse if you don’t work late today? Are you going to be cast aside as a social pariah if you don’t buy that ceramic pumpkin from Hobby Lobby?

Most likely, your world will continue. And that means you don’t have to worry about missing out. Because you’re not missing out on that much anyway.

Remind yourself of the benefits.

Life choices are not always clear. It’s not like we walk around thinking, “Should I help this old lady across the street or steal candy from a child?”

Many times we have to choose between good options! It’s a great problem to have. But it can leave us feeling guilty. Something had to give.

But it is in those times we can go back to our priorities and remind ourselves of what we’re gaining by making a choice. I like to use this sentence frame when I have to choose between good things:

“By choosing ____, I’m gaining ______. Even though I wanted ______, it’s not the most important thing right now.”

Do we want to spend time with friends or work on our thesis? Do we want to volunteer for others or spend time with family? Do we want to help out by working overtime or do we want to go to the gym and exercise?

These choices are not between bad and good. These choices are between better and best. Decide what is best, make the choice, and let go of the guilt.

“Is this going to matter in 5 years?”

Who won the Super Bowl 5 years ago? What was the top news story 5 years ago? What did you eat for dinner 2 nights ago?

Even though we desperately cling to the past through photos, memorabilia, and stories, the hard truth is that we forget easily. Things that seem so important to us now become so insignificant in a short time. When we’re having trouble with FOMO, we can ask ourselves if it will matter in 5 years.

Most of the time, the answer is no. I don’t want to miss out on the “big things.” But those things I’ll forget in a week? I can miss those.

Fear of missing out is real, and it’s a struggle. But with a few mental strategies, we can deal with it. We might even realize that we’re not really missing out. We’re choosing to live with purpose, and our lives are better for it.

Have FOMO? Here’s How to Deal With It. Read More »

Results Matter

Lifestyle / kepperson2

This week the world has watched a horrific situation unfold in Afghanistan. The Taliban has resurged, taking over the country in 11 days. American citizens and Afghan allies are trapped, unable to fight through the checkpoints to get to the airport. At least a dozen American military members and over 100 Afghans have lost their lives as the result of the bombing. These are the results.

Results matter.

I was not a witness to the planning process going into this withdrawal. I am not privy to anyone’s thoughts. I have no knowledge of anyone’s intentions- good, bad, or otherwise. I don’t pretend to know anything more than what I have seen and heard. And here it is: there has been much needless loss of life, and it’s not over yet.

We often judge our actions by our intentions. But sometimes our good intentions can have disastrous consequences. When that happens, we can either waste time and effort seeking to justify ourselves, or we can get busy dealing with the reality of the consequences.

Results matter.

But let’s move away from the immediate, global scale. Let’s move into the personal, mundane decisions of our everyday lives. If I never correct or train my children, I might claim I did that out of love. But when they grow up to be terrible human beings, I cannot justify the results. If I nag and harangue my loved ones out of a desire to help, my good intentions won’t repair the strained relationships that result.

If I cram my house full of stuff I never use or need, I might claim I did it because I found it on sale or because I want to be prepared. Maybe I want to preserve memories or pass it on to my children. But when I’m swimming up to my eyeballs in debt, or when I pass away and my children are burdened by all my stuff, I cannot justify the results.

If I lie to people in an effort to spare their feelings, I can claim good intentions. But I must also claim the bad results. If I cut corners at work out of a desire to excel, my good intentions won’t pay the bills when I get fired.

Do intentions matter? Absolutely. But intentions cannot wipe away bad results.

So, what then? Here are some simple strategies to help avoid unintended, bad results.

Determine the goal first.

In Stephen R. Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, one of the habits is to “begin with the end in mind.” It’s very difficult to reach an undetermined destination. Many professions hinge success on this concept. Teachers begin planning by asking, “What do I want students to learn?” Financial planners ask people, “What is your goal for retirement?” Builders use blueprints. Scientists begin with a hypothesis. Only after they set the goal do they begin planning.

Imitate the successful.

Seek out the ones who got good results. Find out how they did it. What did they do? What did they avoid? Learn from those who’ve blazed the path ahead of you. As a mother, I find this to be invaluable with parenting. I try to learn from those who have raised responsible, well-adjusted adults. I mimic their methods because I want to replicate their results.

Think through the possible outcomes.

Those in the business world are likely familiar with the decision tree. The decision tree helps people understand the different outcomes that might results from a decision. This process helps people make sound decisions. Full disclosure: I’m a huge proponent of limited government. One of the main reasons is because I often see government try to solve a problem and end up creating more problems by the unintended consequences of their steps to solve the first problem. It’s a vicious cycle. Even if you disagree with my position (and that’s perfectly okay with me; I love you anyway), we’ve all had experiences like this.

Case in point: My daughter was painting last night. When we started to clean, she tried to go faster because she wanted to watch TV. By rushing, she ended up spilling paint on the floor and making a bigger mess. She spent way more time cleaning because she was in a hurry. By thinking through the possibilities before we get started, we can see–and avoid–potential pitfalls.

Cling to your integrity.

If the desired results are simply impossible without compromising your integrity, then you have a choice: good results or the ability to look at yourself in the mirror each day. Always choose integrity. If you’re willing to compromise your ethics or moral code for temporary success, you’ll end up with neither integrity nor good results.

Own up to your mistakes.

The only people who never violate their own conscience are babies and sociopaths. As Alexander Pope wrote, “To err is human.” Ask yourself, when was the last time you admitted a wrongdoing? If you can’t remember, that’s a giant red flag. Owning up to our mistakes is an admission of our own humanity. It requires humility, and that humility helps us realize the need to learn from our mistakes. And what happens when we learn from our mistakes? You guessed it. We get better results.

So if you aren’t getting the results you want, take a moment to examine why. Perhaps you haven’t stopped to think about your goals. Maybe you need a good mentor. Maybe you need to run through some potential outcomes. Perhaps you’ve compromised your integrity and you need to own up to your mistakes. Whatever it is, make the adjustments needed and correct course.

Because results matter.

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The Tension Between Private Life vs. Public Persona

2 Comments / Education, Lifestyle / kepperson2

The concept of privacy has been on my mind a lot lately, for several reasons. There is a tension between the private and public person, and whether that boundary should even exist. I’ll tell you my viewpoint upfront: I believe a “private life” is essential to our well-being as individuals and to our humanity’s collective well-being.

However, the issue is far from easy or clear-cut.

We’ve always understood that there are parts of our lives not meant for public consumption. This desire for privacy is not always borne out of hypocrisy or a wish to shield unsavory activities; indeed, many of the activities we engage in behind closed doors are quite necessary. Biological functions necessary to human life–reproduction, the ridding of bodily waste, childbirth–are carried out in a private fashion, i.e., they only involve the people essential to the activity. This explains why it’s completely normal for a doctor to be in a delivery room, while it would be appalling to have a random stranger with no vested interest watching the childbirth, shoveling in popcorn as if bringing life into the world is a spectator sport to be consumed like a Friday night football game.

While some individuals and groups have always crossed those boundaries, we understand those are exceptions, not the rule.

But with the rise of social media, the boundaries have blurred significantly. What was whispered about in the recesses of closed bedrooms is now shared openly and without shame. Sometimes, this transparency is helpful. I think of support groups, medical information, mental health, etc. People need a place to seek information and share, so they know they are not alone in their struggles. However, does the community bulletin really need to know about your toenail fungus or the laundry list of grievances you have against the local pizza place? When did it become okay to get into a virtual shouting match, complete with cursing and grammatically questionable insults, with random strangers about problems that are not directly related to either party?

I often feel confused at these interactions, as if the world left to go on vacation to a strange and faraway place, and I’m standing there at the empty station, wondering where everyone went. I know I’m not the only one, either. There are countless people walking around with confused expressions, shaking their heads and muttering to themselves, “What happened?”

The fast pace of today’s society has left behind many stragglers. Who the winner is in this scenario has yet to be seen, but my money’s on the stragglers.

And yet, while many of us closely guard our private lives, clutching them dearly as we venture out into the digital world, we also understand the security in dealing with consistent people. People who don’t lead separate lives when they are away from us. There is trust in knowing that who I’m talking to is the same person at all times. No one likes being deceived.

So when my coworker is a nice unassuming man, but then goes home to beat his wife? That man is guilty not only of criminal cruelty, he is also guilty of lying and betrayal. He has betrayed his public image and lied to everyone. He has robbed his wife of safety and trust, and everyone who comes into contact with him becomes less trusting because of his deception. He has effectively poisoned the well with his evil.

Hypocrisy is universally repulsive.

So how do we balance the need for transparency with the need for privacy? How do we ensure that individual thought is preserved while still having a reliable mechanism for recognizing the wolves in sheep’s clothing?

My conclusion is this: You can’t. In the end, you have to choose. If we seek to preserve private life, we run the risk of people leading secret lives. They will abuse the concept of privacy to carry out their selfish, and possibly evil, desires.

Which begs the question, why would I endorse the idea of privacy?

The reason is simple: If you abandon privacy in favor of complete and total transparency, you will have neither. We know this because we’ve seen it play out. When human speech is monitored with feverish zeal, humans adapt. We relegate our opinions to the recesses of our minds. We learn to conceal our true thoughts in an act of self-preservation. In the pursuit of a completely public persona, everyone becomes a hypocrite.

I met a wonderful person (I’m being purposefully vague) who fled communist Cuba many years ago. She shared how when Castro came to speak, his people would take attendance, noting–and presumably punishing–those who refused to attend. Later, Castro’s people would publish photos of the teeming crowd as proof of his popularity among the Cuban people.

They had no private lives, but that couldn’t stop them from hating him.

The fact is, not all of our initial thoughts are good. We have to work them out in our own minds or with others that we trust. Even this article, which I feel completely confident and comfortable sharing, has been edited. I deleted thoughts and rearranged them and changed my mind about sentences. Why? Because our thoughts are like seeds, they need to grow and be nurtured and shaped, and sometimes we have to uproot them and cut them out. If we don’t have the space to change our minds or work out our own opinions, we will stunt our intellectual, emotional, and spiritual growth. We will simply accept or reject; there will be no more synthesis.

We talk in terms of rights in our country. And while I fervently defend natural rights (as opposed to so many of the rights we talk about), I don’t want to frame privacy in terms of rights. Because the fact is, privacy is something that countless people across history have been denied. Instead, I ask you to think of privacy like beauty or art. We don’t need it to survive, but we need it to be fully human.

So treasure your private life. Put it to good purpose. Don’t abuse it. And when someone threatens it, guard it with your life. Because it is your life.

I believe there are sound theological reasons for this position, although I did not write this article from that viewpoint. If you would like to read about those, let me know and I will write a follow-up post.

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When Your Bold Decisions Give Others Courage

Lifestyle, Minimalism / kepperson2

audentes fortuna juvat
“Fortune favors the bold” (Latin Proverb)

In one of my earliest jobs, I had a boss who drove a car. It was a reliable car, but it wasn’t anything fancy. It certainly didn’t match his likely six-figure income. That completely unremarkable car made an impression on me.

To be fair, I don’t really care about cars. For me, they are completely utilitarian. Does it get me from Point A to Point B? Does it have air conditioning and heat? Those are really the only questions I ask. But even so, I remember that car, precisely because it was unremarkable.

It was almost as if my boss was saying, “I don’t need to bolster my ego by driving an expensive vehicle, even though I can afford it.” I respected that.

It’s that type of bold decision that can infect others with courage. The courage to be different, the courage to make the right decision in spite of potentially negative consequences.

But I want to be clear: When I say, “bold,” I don’t mean, “brash.” Certainly, those words might occasionally overlap, but I want to distinguish them. We are in an age that demands boldness be highly visible, very loud, and almost always offensive. Boldness, however, is not always those things.

Bold can be quiet.
Bold can be steady.
Bold can be humble.
Bold can be subtle.

That might seem like a contradiction, but it’s not. In a world where everything is dialed up to 100%, subtleties stand out in stark contrast.

What we forget oftentimes, however, is that there are multitudes of people longing to be bold, but they need someone else to go first. They need to be bolstered by someone else’s example. They need permission.

You have the opportunity to give others permission to be bold. By making decisions confidently and joyfully, you are signaling to them, “Come on in, the water’s fine.” Even when you face backlash, meeting it calmly and resolutely makes an impression on others. They realize it’s possible to survive criticism. They realize they can handle adversity without being a jerk to people. They realize the wounds aren’t fatal. And it emboldens them to make better decisions, too.

So drive the “okay” car. Don’t drive a car at all. Live in a small house. Start that business you’ve been talking about for years. Wear socks that don’t match. Buy thrift store clothes. Let your gray hair show. Go out without makeup every once in a while.

Whatever form your “boldness” takes, make those decisions confidently, not for the purpose of drawing attention to yourself (that’s not boldness; that’s narcissism), but to give others permission to make their own bold decisions. And when they do, you can cheer them on. Because caring about other people? Now that’s bold.

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Why We Need More Silence

6 Comments / Lifestyle, Minimalism / kepperson2

silhouette of man sitting on grass field at daytime

Silence is a scarce commodity.

This interactive map by the Bureau of Transportation Statistics shows the amount of transportation-related noise of the U.S. You’ll find that most of the country experiences high levels of noise, and that doesn’t even include ambient noises like lawn mowers, construction equipment, sirens, or cell phones.

In fact, noise-induced hearing loss (NIHL) is a growing concern. There is so much noise in our lives, many of us have never experienced true silence.

A lot of this noise is inevitable. We have little control over the sounds of the city in which we live. And if you have children or are around children on a daily basis, you probably sigh longingly for a time when you could get a moment or two of silence.

But perhaps we might be unconsciously adding to our noise problems?

It’s not just physical noise, either. It’s also the incessant mental noise. As wonderful as the information age is, it comes with its drawbacks. Information overload is a real problem for productivity and well-being.

The next time your phone dings with a notification, try letting it go for a while. If you have to answer emails at work, you can make a game of trying to spend as little time as possible while still answering the emails effectively.

Silence holds possibility.

We are in an age in which people rush to express an opinion about almost everything that crosses their paths. News cycles barely last a day, and social media is even worse. I’ve read several articles that discuss what story was trending for several hours. Not days. Hours.

Just like “fast fashion” has both figuratively and literally polluted the clothing industry, fast news has polluted our discourse. We see a story. We react. We verbalize our thoughts. We get outraged. We forget. And the cycle continues.

What if we broke the cycle? What if we refused to play the game? We see a story and…. wait. Do nothing for a hot minute. Contemplate the news, or even let it go without comment.

Silence means we have time to make a rational decision about when and how to react. We are in control when we wait. We don’t have to be beholden to the hot topics of the day or our emotional reactions to them.

We can choose when and how we speak. Don’t ever confuse silence with apathy.

Silence allows for reflection.

Living life means making mistakes. There are going to be times when we could make better choices. Learning from the past is crucial to improving our future, but we can’t do that without reflection.

Trying to reflect without pausing is like trying to fix your hair while running past a mirror. It’s not very effective. If we really want to have time for reflection, we have to get off the hamster wheel and go somewhere quiet.

Don’t know where to go to find quiet? One of the best places for me to reflect is while driving. My thoughts come freely, without filter and without direction. For you parents, perhaps it’s the bathroom. Maybe it’s that early morning time before anyone else wakes up.

Whatever form it takes, find some quiet time to reflect. Even if it’s just 5 minutes, that reflection can help you make future decisions more clearly.

Silence deescalates.

A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).

If there is one word to describe modern discourse, I would suggest it’s heated. Outrage sells, and it’s making a killing these days. Sometimes a passionate response is certainly needed, and this world needs passionate people.

But it also needs quiet people. It needs people who speak slowly and intentionally. It needs people who can provide a soft answer. There’s an overabundance of harsh words. We are in desperate need of soft answers.

One of the most iconic scenes in Don Quixote is when he tries to attack windmills, believing them to be giants. Of course, his efforts are futile. The scene inspired the phrase, “tilting at windmills,” meaning attacking imaginary enemies or a vain attack. Getting angry at silence is like tilting at windmills. You can try, but it looks foolish.

Silence makes room for what’s most important.

Have you ever tried to take a picture from a moving vehicle? You probably struggled to get a good shot. Constant movement makes it difficult to bring things into focus. Silence gives us the space to bring our lives into focus.

Sometimes that means taking a step back from a commitment. Sometimes that means making a big change. But sometimes? That means turning off all the screens for 10 minutes and letting your thoughts begin to form and organize. Want to think more clearly? Get rid of the excess noise.

Decluttering our minds is just as freeing as decluttering our homes. And it starts with reclaiming some precious silence, in whatever form we can take it.

Why We Need More Silence Read More »

How Bringing Back Borrowing Can Add to Your Life

Lifestyle, Minimalism / kepperson2

library, nature, naturopathy-3992076.jpg

It was spring, and that meant one thing: cleaning. The siding on the house was looking a little worse for wear. Not “ew” levels, mind you. It just needed a good pressure wash.

The only problem? We didn’t own a pressure washer. And since this was the only time we would ever use a pressure washer, we didn’t really want to buy one.

Spend $300 on something you’ll use once a year? No, thanks. But then something magical happened. Okay, it wasn’t magical. But it felt magical. My parents, who happened to hear us talking, said, “Hey, we have a small pressure washer. Want to borrow it?”

To which we happily responded, “Yes, thank you!” That small chore just became easier and a LOT cheaper. (By the way, we ended up hiring a good friend to pressure wash our house and fence later, and WOW! But we weren’t at that point, yet.)

Fast-forward a couple of years. I was talking with a few friends about marriage. I had just read this wonderful book on marriage and was telling them about it. Finally, I said, “Hey, would you like to borrow my copy?”

Lending and borrowing are certainly not new concepts, and yet they have all but disappeared in some areas. We are so quick to purchase anything we “need,” as soon as we need it.

But what if we started borrowing? What would that look like? Could it possibly make our lives better? I think it absolutely can. Read on to find out why.

The Cost of Always Buying

Buying everything costs money. A lot of money. Let’s look at just a couple examples:

A lot of new hardback books on Amazon right now run anywhere from $11 to $18. Let’s lowball it and say you can snag a book for $10. If you bought one new book each week, you would be spending $520 annually on books. If you borrowed those titles from the library, however, you would save yourself $520.

DIY home projects sometimes require power tools like circular saws, miter saws, etc. The cheapest miter saw I found was over $100, and the most expensive was over $800. If you had one, and your friend was doing a one-time project, you could save them hundreds of dollars by lending them your saw.

The cost of always buying goes way beyond just dollars, though. There are some other real benefits to borrowing that you would miss.

The Benefits of Borrowing

Tighter-knit relationships

This is perhaps the best benefit of borrowing. The act of giving and receiving increases the bond between two people. It just does. It not only feels good to be able to help others, but it also feels good to realized how many people are willing to help you. Borrowing blesses the borrower and the lender.

Are there increased opportunities for friction? Sure. When someone keeps something longer than expected or if they don’t take care of your stuff, it can be frustrating. That’s a natural part of having relationships. But the benefits, in my opinion, far outweigh the negatives.

Something else? It forces you to get to know other people. You have to know what their needs are to be able to lend them something, and you have to have the courage to ask people for help when you need to borrow something. I don’t like asking. I loathe asking. But it’s a growth opportunity.

Forces prioritization of time and wealth

Is it wise to spend $500 on an appliance you’ll use once? You’re probably thinking, “Of course not.” But would $50 make you flinch? How about $10? But what about the repeated purchases of $10, $20, $50 on things we only use one time?

It all adds up quickly. For that reason, we have to prioritize. Borrowing allows us to do that. If I’m going to use something once, I might look at borrowing it instead of buying it. Sometimes borrowing an item gives us the time to decide if we really would use it.

A sweet friend recently told me how her 3-year-old daughter wanted a Minnie Mouse birthday cake. Since there aren’t many 15-year-olds out there begging for a Minnie Mouse cake, this was going to be a one-time thing. She went to the public library and borrowed the pan, saving herself money and the trouble of selling or donating the cake pan when she’s done. It was a great idea, and her daughter got exactly what she wanted.

Also, have you looked at how many types of items your public library has to check out? You should. I loooove the library.

One more thing to think about? Sometimes lending an item helps us realize how little we actually need it, too. It works both ways.

Increases collective resources & access

This is the concept behind community gardens, and I love it. People voluntarily join to plant and work a garden, and then they share in the harvest. Of course, the concept works best when there is mutual trust and clearly defined roles for those contributing.

By sharing our tools and goods with each other, we divide up the cost of a common endeavor. In the case of a garden, one tiller could be used for multiple gardens. If each person had to buy one, though, it would needlessly increase the cost for everyone.

Another example? Swimming pools. A pool would be a colossal waste of time and money for my family. We aren’t interested in caring for one and don’t want to spend the money to get one. My daughters, though? They LOVE the pool. It just so happens that my in-laws have a pool. By allowing my daughters to swim in their pool when visiting, my girls now have greater access to something they normally wouldn’t. We are very appreciative, and it’s a better experience for everyone involved.

Decreases waste

We’ve all sold items that were “like new, only used once.” I know this because of how many posts on market sites that uses that exact phrase. It’s ubiquitous.

When you think of how many of those items end up in the trash? Yikes. In two generations, we’ve gone from,

“Now don’t throw out that aluminum foil. I’ll fold it up and use it again.”

to,

“Ten pairs of jeans. Only worn once. If not sold by Friday, I’m tossing. Must pick up.”

I’m certainly not suggesting reusing foil for food, because I’d really rather not get food poisoning. But maybe there’s a middle ground? That middle ground could be borrowing.

A challenge: This week, think of something you’d like to use that you can borrow, instead of buy. And then think of something that someone needs that you could lend to them.

If you do the challenge, share with me in the comments what you borrowed or lent!

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How to Set Healthy Boundaries with Others

Lifestyle / kepperson2

Picture it:

You’re super stressed. It’s been a busy week at work, and you have a lot going on personally. Your place is a mess and you haven’t eaten a home-cooked meal in days.

In the midst of this chaos, the door bell rings. It’s an unannounced visitor. Perhaps it’s your mother-in-law. Perhaps it’s a nosy neighbor. Whoever it is, they’re at your door. At the worst time. Again.

How do you stop this behavior?

Setting boundaries can be difficult. If you’re someone who likes to please others, boundaries can be even more difficult for you.

I get it. I’ve been there.

Let’s face it:

Some people are needier than others. Just as a child is physically needier than an adult, some adults are emotionally needier than others. This can quickly turn into, “I need you to be my 24/7 human support animal.”

For many of us, that’s not a role we can or even want to fill.

However, there are several simple strategies to set healthy boundaries with the people in your life. Using these can help give you a little freedom and control over your interactions.

Assume positive intent.

This can be extremely difficult with people you know well, but it’s absolutely necessary. We often assume people are acting with ulterior motives.

“I know they said they’re okay with our plans, but I don’t think they meant it…”

Stop it. Take people at face value. If they aren’t being up front with you, let them deal with the natural consequences of their poor communication.

Assigning ulterior motives automatically puts us on the defensive, which can easily lead to unnecessary conflict.

So the next time your sister-in-law says something about your messy house, assume she’s trying to help before getting defensive. If what she says bothers you, communicate that to her.

Tell them what you would like in positive terms.

Slight adjustments in our communication can make a big difference. Instead of telling that sister-in-law, “Stop making comments about my house,” try putting it into a positive frame.

“I appreciate you trying to help. It bothers me, though, when you make comments about my messy house. I would like for you to enjoy your time with family, in spite of any clutter.”

Take ownership of your own feelings. “I’m self-conscious about this…” or “I’m stressed because I want to make everyone happy and I can’t.”

This puts the onus on you, while simultaneously being specific with them as to why it bothers you.

Speak calmly and directly.

Nonverbal cues are a large part of communication. In fact, you may have heard people mention the “55/38/7 rule” or say that over 90% of communication is nonverbal.

While those numbers are a little overused and misunderstood, the one thing researchers all agree on is the importance of body language and voice tone/inflection.

My husband can tell you, when we get into lively discussions (read: arguments), it’s almost always because of miscommunication, usually related to nonverbal cues like tone of voice.

So what does this mean for setting boundaries?

It’s not just important what you say, it’s vital you control how you say it.

Speaking in a calm, clear voice is best. An open, relaxed posture is ideal.

If you struggle with your tone of voice, practice beforehand how you will talk to the person. Practice in front of a mirror, or record yourself talking and play it back. Many times we don’t even realize how we sound to others.

Another strategy is to write them an email/text/letter. Writing allows us to edit our thoughts without interruption or reaction.

Regardless of what method you choose, don’t let how you speak damage the relationship.

Be prepared to deal with the conflict.

No matter how nicely or firmly you say it, setting boundaries is going to anger some people. They will make passive-aggressive comments and sulk. When that happens, ignore it. That’s their problem, not yours.

Giving it time usually helps. People tend to react emotionally faster than they react rationally. They might be mad at first, but they’ll come around after a while. Give them time to process their own thoughts and emotions.

If they don’t come around, you have to move on. You can’t control other people, but you can control how much power you give them.

Now that we’ve looked at how you can positively set boundaries, let’s look at a few ways to sabotage your efforts.

When setting boundaries, don’t…

Ignore the problem. Letting things fester is a good recipe for an emotional explosion.
Ignore the person. That’s not fair to them, and it doesn’t solve any problems.
Attack on a personal level. Stick to the issue at hand.
Try to “make your case” with hyperbole. Exaggerating diminishes your credibility. Avoid words like “always, never, the most I’ve ever seen,” etc.
Be passive-aggressive. That’s a really good way to stop the conversation before it gets started. Plus, it’s just immature.
Lose track of your goal. Your goal is not to win the argument or convince the other person. Your goal is to change the behavior while trying to preserve the relationship, if possible.

Hopefully these tips can help you as you set boundaries with others. It’s definitely easier said than done, but it’s also impossible if you don’t try. Do you have a strategy for setting healthy boundaries? Share them in the comments below!

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7 Ways to Cultivate Gratitude

Lifestyle / kepperson2

Yesterday was Memorial Day. A day to remember and honor those who gave their lives in battle. Many have close friends of relatives who made that ultimate sacrifice, while others have a more tenuous personal connection.

I am of the latter group. I don’t have any immediate family members currently in the military. And while I have several extended family members who served in various ways at different points, they always came home.

Many didn’t.

When we are not close to the sacrifice, it’s easy to take it for granted. In those cases, we must cultivate gratitude.

These tips are for growing in your gratitude, not just for those who laid down their lives, but for the simple blessings you experience each day.

1. Write it down.

You’ve heard, “Count your blessings.” Take it a step further and write them down. This extra effort forces you to really contemplate on those blessings.

2. Say thanks often.

When someone does something for you, thank them. Even better, write them a note. This process draws our attention to just how much others do for us on a daily basis. It also helps us realize how much we need others to help us.

3. Skip the comparing.

Comparing is a game where everyone loses. It robs you of joy, and it kills gratitude. When you’re tempted to compare yourself or your possessions with others, simply say, “I have all I need. I’m good enough as myself. I don’t have to be someone else or have what they have.” Easier said than done? Yes. Worth it to redirect your thoughts? Absolutely.

4. Imagine if…

When I’m in need of an attitude adjustment (which is more often than I care to admit), I like to play, “Imagine if…” It goes like this: Think about something (or someone) you have in your life. Imagine your life without it, and realize that your life could be so much worse.

For example, I love home design. So seeing a beautiful space can sometimes make me feel a little jealous. Then I imagine my life without a home, without running water, without electricity. That is reality for many people in our world. I realize how meaningless the “extras” are, and it puts things in perspective.

5. Step outside your comfort zone.

If we only spend time with people who live like us, we are cheating ourselves of some major gratitude. Spend some time with people who don’t live like you, and you will quickly gain an appreciation for all that you have. Seek ways to volunteer or to meet people on their turf.

6. Enjoy the little things.

We spend a lot of time chasing big things. Big dreams. Big vacations. Big trucks. Big houses. Big degrees. Don’t forget to enjoy all the little things that make up our mundane life.

As I type this, there’s a blue bird chirping outside my window. That little blessing brings me joy on a daily basis. There are little blessings all around you. That good cup of coffee. That new book you wanted to read. The ability to walk or run. The stroll in the park. The giggles from children. The sunset. Enjoy them. Be grateful for them. After all, the big things are comprised of everyday, little moments.

7. Remember your purpose.

If someone were to ask us our purpose in life, I highly doubt many of us would say, “To get as much as I can.” What a sad existence that would be! We have a purpose in this life, and that purpose is bigger than ourselves. For me? My purpose is to live like Christ so that I and others can spend eternity with our Savior. I don’t know what your purpose is. But when we realize we can live out our purpose, regardless of our circumstances, gratitude flows freely.

I hope your day is wonderful and full of gratitude.

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How to Clean Your Home Cheaply and Naturally

Lifestyle, Minimalism / kepperson2

round wooden table with decorative vase soaps and brush

Short on time? Click here to skip to cleaning ideas by room.

You know that stockpile of random cleaning supplies you have under your kitchen sink? You know, the one with bottles that are older than your kids? The one with single-use cleaners that you almost never use? The one you have to keep locked up from babies because they’re so hazardous?

Yes, that one.

Let’s get rid of that stockpile, shall we?

Honestly? The reason I started on a “natural cleaning” journey was not one of health-consciousness or a sense of environmental responsibility.

I just hated to clean.

I wanted something simple that I could use in a lot of ways. I also wanted something cheap. I was a stay-at-home mom at the time, after all.

So I searched high and low for natural cleaning methods. Some of those I’ve continued to use for years. Others I tried and decided it wasn’t worth it. But if you want cleaning options that are simple and affordable, I’ve got what you need. I’ve rounded up a host of ideas using simple, inexpensive ingredients.

I put an asterisk next to supplies that you should place out of reach of little hands and/or paws, for safety reasons.

This list is meant to balance purpose with practicality. Feel free to treat it as a buffet. Take what you want; leave what you don’t. We’ll start with basic cleaning supplies and then move on to cleaning ideas (with links and instructions).

Ready to get started? Let’s get cleaning!

(Try not to get too excited.)

What cleaning supplies do I need?

Microfiber cloths
Rubber gloves
*Glass spray bottles
Vinegar
*Hydrogen peroxide
Baking soda
*Rubbing alcohol
Dish soap (I like Blue Dawn and Mrs. Meyer’s Lemon Verbena)
*Any desired scents or essential oils

composition of cosmetic bottle with pink rose petals and wooden plate — Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

Microfiber Cloths

I like microfiber cloths because they are versatile and inexpensive. After using a few, I toss them in the wash and reuse. This saves us a lot of money & waste over Lysol/Clorox wipes.

Rubber gloves

I always use rubber gloves to clean for two reasons: Safety and the “ick factor.” I don’t want my skin to come into contact with anything that might be harmful, and I definitely don’t want to touch slimy, gross things.

Glass Spray Bottles

Glass spray bottles are great for homemade cleaning solutions. I have 3 bottles, but it depends on your preference. I find that 3 is enough for the solutions I use most frequently. Again, this saves money and space over individual cleaning containers.

Vinegar

I love vinegar. Seriously. It’s the underrated workhorse, the real MacGyver of cleaning supplies. This post over at One Good Thing gives you 32 of the top ways to use vinegar. Here are just a few of my favorites:

Clean your microwave the EASY way
Glass cleaner
Oven cleaner
Clean stainless steel cookware
Disinfect the dishwasher
Fabric softener
Foot soak (softens your feet and kills fungus)

Note: You should never mix vinegar with hydrogen peroxide (or bleach)! This is unsafe and could cause harm. Safety first.

*Hydrogen Peroxide

Hydrogen peroxide has a lot of the same benefits as vinegar. It has anti-fungal, antibacterial, and antiviral properties. Unlike vinegar, however, hydrogen peroxide is definitely NOT safe for consumption! Here are some of my favorite ways to use hydrogen peroxide:

Clean white towels, sheets, etc.
Remove blood from white fabric
Glass cleaner
Make-up brush cleaner

Baking soda

Baking soda is great for freshening, cleaning, and lifting stains off all kinds of materials. It also can be combined with vinegar, peroxide, or bleach to get a powerful one-two punch on dirt and germs. Some of my favorite ways to use baking soda include:

Clean/freshen mattresses, rugs, and carpet
Soften and lift stains from laundry
Clean car upholstery
Oven cleaner

Rubbing Alcohol

Removing ink stains from clothing
Remove permanent marker from hard surfaces (Credit: several years of teaching)
Remove frost from car windows

Dish Soap

Dish soap is designed to cut through grease and grime, so it’s a great helper ingredient in a lot of homemade cleaning products. My two favorites are Blue Dawn and Mrs. Meyer’s Lemon Verbena dish soap.

Scents and/or essential oils

I’m not an essential oils fanatic, but I find them to be very practical for natural cleaning. For one, they help tone down the strong vinegar smell. But some of them can actually help clean, as well. Just make sure you read the labels to know the best and safest way to use them. My “go-to” oils are lemon, lavender, orange, tea tree, and peppermint.

Add lavender to vinegar-based laundry solutions
Add lemon oil to kitchen cleaning solutions
Mix peppermint, lavender, and lemon to spray on mattresses or other fabrics (great for allergies)
Orange and sandalwood for anything (I love these scents!)

crop person cleaning glass shower unit — Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

Cleaning Ideas by Room

Kitchen

Clean your microwave

Mix water and vinegar in a glass bowl or measuring cup, using a 1:1 ratio. Microwave on high for 5 minutes. Then be amazed as you wipe all the gunk off your microwave. No elbow grease required. (Credit: One Good Thing by Jillee)

Clean your dishwasher

Place a cup of vinegar in a dishwasher-safe bowl in the top rack of your dishwasher. Run the hottest cycle. Let the dishwasher air dry with the door open. (Credit: Home Depot)

Floor cleaner

This all-purpose floor cleaner is great for any type of hard floor. For a hardwood-specific cleaner, see Natural Dusting Spray. Mix vinegar and water in a 2:1 ratio. Add 2-3 drop of dish soap and a few drops (if desired) of essential oil. Spray floor with cleaner and wipe with mop. Sometimes I spray vinegar and let it sit for a few minutes, then clean with a steam mop.

Bathroom

Disinfect the toilet

Turn the water off behind your toilet to empty the bowl. Sprinkle baking soda (with essential oil mixed in, if you wish) around the inside of the bowl. Pour in 2 cups white vinegar (5%) and watch fizz. Use a brush to scrub around the bowl. Let sit for 10-15 minutes. Then turn the water on and flush. Easy! (Credit: Growing Up Herbal)

Clean the shower

Mix 1 cup vinegar, 4 tsp dish soap, and 10 drops of tea tree oil in a glass bottle. Spray shower and allow to sit for 10-15 minutes. Wipe with a clean rag. (Credit: DIY Natural)

Glass cleaner

Mix equal parts vinegar and water into a glass spray bottle. I like to add a few drops of lemon essential oil, but that’s optional. Spray on mirrors and wipe away dirt and grime.

Make-up brush cleaner

Mix¹/₂ cup water, 1 Tbsp vinegar, ¹/₂ Tbsp dish soap in a glass bowl. Swirl brushes in the mixture and let sit for a few minutes. Rinse brushes with warm water and let air dry.

Bedroom/Living Room

Clean blood off clothes/mattresses

My youngest daughter has some wicked nosebleeds (Thanks, allergies!). Her mattress has taken a beating, but you wouldn’t know just by looking at it. The reason? Hydrogen peroxide. Dab (don’t rub!) the blood stain with hydrogen peroxide, using a cotton ball or an cleaning rag. Once it stops bubbling, spray with cold water and dab with a clean cloth. You may have to repeat.

Clean urine off mattresses

Dogs and kids are infamous for peeing on everything. Sometimes the pads don’t cut it. So what to do? Soak up as much fluid as possible. Sprinkle baking soda on the mattress. Spray hydrogen peroxide and let bubble. Let air dry. Vacuum the remaining powder residue.

Window cleaner

See glass cleaner.

Natural dusting spray

This spray can also be used to clean hardwood floors. Simply mix 1 cup water, ¹/₄ cup vinegar, 2 tsp olive oil, and 10-15 drops lemon (or orange) essential oil in a glass bottle. Spray and wipe with microfiber cloth. (Credit: One Good Thing by Jillee)

Clean and freshen rugs/carpet

Sprinkle baking soda on the rug. Let sit for a couple minutes and then vacuum.

Laundry Room/Outside

Clean the washer

For top loaders: Select the hottest temperature and the largest cycle. As hot water fills the drum, add 4 cups vinegar and 1 cup baking soda to the water. Let washer run for 5 minutes, then pause for 1-2 hours. Finish the cycle and wipe down the interior/exterior surfaces.

For front loaders: Fill detergent dispenser with vinegar. Run the machine on the hottest/highest cycle. Run a second cycle with no vinegar, to get rid of the smell.

Laundry detergent

There are loads of homemade laundry detergent recipes out there. You will need Borax and/or washing soda for most of these. Check out this article by Morning Chores for a good list of recipes.

Natural fabric softener

Mix baking soda and water in a 3:2 ratio. Add a few drops of lavender essential oil or your favorite scent.

Homemade dryer sheets

Place ¹/₂ cup white vinegar and a few drops of essential oil (I like lavender) in a wide-mouthed glass jar with a tight lid. Place several pieces of cloth in the jar. I cut up an unused bed sheet, but you could also use wash cloths. For each load, remove one cloth and squeeze out excess vinegar. Toss in the dryer with the clothes. Easy! (Credit: The Spruce)

Freshen car seats/fabric

Sprinkle baking soda and vacuum. For tough spots, I use a tiny bit of dish soap and work into the fabric. Rinse by using a wet cloth to dab the area. Let air dry.

Car Defroster

In a glass bottle, mix water and rubbing alcohol using a 2:1 ratio. Spray on ice. Scrape any stubborn spots.

Weed killer

Dilute 1 Tbsp rubbing alcohol with 2 cups water and spray on weeds on a sunny day. This won’t work for the most stubborn weeds, but is great for those annual weeds.

How do I dispose of toxic cleaners?

First, you should not flush, burn, toss, or dump toxic cleaners. Treat them as hazardous waste and dispose of them properly.

Unfortunately, properly disposing of hazardous waste is not cut and dry. It really depends on where you live. Check with your local public works department or search Earth911 for ways to recycle materials based on your zip code.

Use these tips to streamline your cleaning and save some money in the process! Do you have any tips for cleaning your home naturally? Share them with me in the comments.

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