Picture it:
You’re super stressed. It’s been a busy week at work, and you have a lot going on personally. Your place is a mess and you haven’t eaten a home-cooked meal in days.
In the midst of this chaos, the door bell rings. It’s an unannounced visitor. Perhaps it’s your mother-in-law. Perhaps it’s a nosy neighbor. Whoever it is, they’re at your door. At the worst time. Again.
How do you stop this behavior?
Setting boundaries can be difficult. If you’re someone who likes to please others, boundaries can be even more difficult for you.
I get it. I’ve been there.
Let’s face it:
Some people are needier than others. Just as a child is physically needier than an adult, some adults are emotionally needier than others. This can quickly turn into, “I need you to be my 24/7 human support animal.”
For many of us, that’s not a role we can or even want to fill.
However, there are several simple strategies to set healthy boundaries with the people in your life. Using these can help give you a little freedom and control over your interactions.
Assume positive intent.
This can be extremely difficult with people you know well, but it’s absolutely necessary. We often assume people are acting with ulterior motives.
“I know they said they’re okay with our plans, but I don’t think they meant it…”
Stop it. Take people at face value. If they aren’t being up front with you, let them deal with the natural consequences of their poor communication.
Assigning ulterior motives automatically puts us on the defensive, which can easily lead to unnecessary conflict.
So the next time your sister-in-law says something about your messy house, assume she’s trying to help before getting defensive. If what she says bothers you, communicate that to her.
Tell them what you would like in positive terms.
Slight adjustments in our communication can make a big difference. Instead of telling that sister-in-law, “Stop making comments about my house,” try putting it into a positive frame.
“I appreciate you trying to help. It bothers me, though, when you make comments about my messy house. I would like for you to enjoy your time with family, in spite of any clutter.”
Take ownership of your own feelings. “I’m self-conscious about this…” or “I’m stressed because I want to make everyone happy and I can’t.”
This puts the onus on you, while simultaneously being specific with them as to why it bothers you.
Speak calmly and directly.
Nonverbal cues are a large part of communication. In fact, you may have heard people mention the “55/38/7 rule” or say that over 90% of communication is nonverbal.
While those numbers are a little overused and misunderstood, the one thing researchers all agree on is the importance of body language and voice tone/inflection.
My husband can tell you, when we get into lively discussions (read: arguments), it’s almost always because of miscommunication, usually related to nonverbal cues like tone of voice.
So what does this mean for setting boundaries?
It’s not just important what you say, it’s vital you control how you say it.
Speaking in a calm, clear voice is best. An open, relaxed posture is ideal.
If you struggle with your tone of voice, practice beforehand how you will talk to the person. Practice in front of a mirror, or record yourself talking and play it back. Many times we don’t even realize how we sound to others.
Another strategy is to write them an email/text/letter. Writing allows us to edit our thoughts without interruption or reaction.
Regardless of what method you choose, don’t let how you speak damage the relationship.
Be prepared to deal with the conflict.
No matter how nicely or firmly you say it, setting boundaries is going to anger some people. They will make passive-aggressive comments and sulk. When that happens, ignore it. That’s their problem, not yours.
Giving it time usually helps. People tend to react emotionally faster than they react rationally. They might be mad at first, but they’ll come around after a while. Give them time to process their own thoughts and emotions.
If they don’t come around, you have to move on. You can’t control other people, but you can control how much power you give them.
Now that we’ve looked at how you can positively set boundaries, let’s look at a few ways to sabotage your efforts.
When setting boundaries, don’t…
- Ignore the problem. Letting things fester is a good recipe for an emotional explosion.
- Ignore the person. That’s not fair to them, and it doesn’t solve any problems.
- Attack on a personal level. Stick to the issue at hand.
- Try to “make your case” with hyperbole. Exaggerating diminishes your credibility. Avoid words like “always, never, the most I’ve ever seen,” etc.
- Be passive-aggressive. That’s a really good way to stop the conversation before it gets started. Plus, it’s just immature.
- Lose track of your goal. Your goal is not to win the argument or convince the other person. Your goal is to change the behavior while trying to preserve the relationship, if possible.
Hopefully these tips can help you as you set boundaries with others. It’s definitely easier said than done, but it’s also impossible if you don’t try. Do you have a strategy for setting healthy boundaries? Share them in the comments below!