Suffering is an inevitable part of the human experience. We can try to avoid it or treat it, but we cannot escape it. Many times, that suffering comes at the hands of another person. When that happens, we are victims of maltreatment.
A victim mentality, however, is not the same thing as being a victim. There are people who have suffered unspeakable trauma, yet never develop a victim mentality. There are others with a victim mentality who’ve led quite comfortable lives. In essence, our mental outlook does not necessarily have to correspond with the reality of our situation.
A victim mentality is a self-inflicted handicap, and it can be destructive to the individual and those around them. It’s easy to spot this mentality in others, but it’s more difficult to detect in ourselves. So the question is, do you have a victim mentality? Read about the major signs to find out.
You can’t see multiple perspectives.
A realistic scenario: Let’s say I’m walking down the hall at work. A coworker walks past me without saying hello or acknowledging my existence.
If I have a healthy mindset, I might think of several reasons why the coworker didn’t speak. Perhaps they’re having a bad day and not in the mood to talk. Perhaps they are lost in thought and didn’t see me. Maybe they’re just not the chatty type, or maybe they’re not a morning person. None of those reasons have absolutely anything to do with me.
If I have a victim mentality, on the other hand, I will automatically jump to the conclusion that the coworker ignored me because they’re angry with me or because they don’t like me.
A person with a victim mentality assumes every situation is about them. Additionally, they cannot view anything outside of their own perspective. This lowers their ability to empathize with others. The ability to see different perspectives and empathize is critical to healthy relationships and critical thinking. Without it, we stunt our social-emotional and intellectual growth.
You give up easily.
Central to a victim mentality is the idea that you have little to no control over outcomes. If you have little control over how things turn out, then why try? When things get hard, it’s easy to just resign yourself to a bad outcome and give up.
It’s not difficult to imagine how this could damage someone’s ability to be successful in school, work, health, or in relationships.
You view people as allies or enemies.
If I have a victim mentality, I don’t view relationships as complicated or people as a mixed bag of positive attributes and weaknesses. I view them as either an ally or an enemy.
The problem with that thinking is this: We are all imperfect people who, in spite of our best efforts, will occasionally hurt one another. Interpersonal relationships are hard. They’re complicated. Most of the time, the people we love the most see our ugliest parts. Our friends and family are our greatest cheerleaders, but they can also hurt us the most.
So when my friend eventually disappoints me, they get permanently moved to the “enemies” list. When my family member hurts me, the relationship deteriorates rapidly. They have been cruel to me, so I am morally superior to them.
This thinking is the fast track to isolation and loneliness, which reinforces the victim complex. It’s a vicious cycle.
You draw attention to yourself.
If I have a victim mentality, I need others to recognize my pain. I need others to praise me and pity me. I can’t get that pay-off without them knowing my story. So I’m going to talk about it. I’m going to talk about myself. A lot. In fact, if there’s a conversation happening, I’m going to find a way to relate it to my own experience. Every single time.
The explanation for this is simple: Someone with a victim mentality cannot think about the emotional needs of others. They are zeroed in on their own experience, and they need others to be, as well. That means drawing attention to themselves, in whatever way necessary, even if it means breaking social norms.
You enjoy others’ sympathy.
When we’re hurt, it can feel good to have a sympathizing ear. But if I have a victim complex, it’s almost a compulsion. I need people to feel sorry for me.
Therefore, I will draw attention to the wrongs I’ve suffered, both past and present. No slight is too small. I will remember all the times I’ve been hurt and trot them out. My dog and pony show will only end once everyone has confirmed my assertion that I have been mistreated.
If I can’t think of someone who has hurt me, I will talk about my poor circumstances or disadvantages to elicit sympathy. Whatever it takes.
When bad things happen, you need to blame someone… someone else.
Someone with a healthy mindset realizes that bad things happen for a myriad of reasons, some due to chance and some due to their own actions. Someone with a victim mentality, however, needs to blame someone, and that someone is never themselves.
People who work with children or young people see this a lot. If a child misbehaves, most parents hold the child responsible. There are some parents, though, that will minimize or completely excuse their child’s behavior by blaming it on someone else.
A victim mentality is an antithesis to personal responsibility. It can dull the conscience to the point where someone with a victim mentality actually victimizes other people and then blames them.
Your major concern is fairness, above all else.
There’s an account in the Bible that’s famous among even the non-religious. It’s when Solomon uses wisdom to discern who the real mother of a baby is by suggesting they split the baby in two. The false mother is fine with this solution, whereas the real mother pleads for the baby’s survival.
Someone with a victim mentality wants to split the baby. They don’t care who gets hurt or how ridiculous it is; they want things to be fair. Forget personal responsibility. Forget learning from mistakes. If I have to suffer, I want someone else to suffer, too. I must preserve my self-created victim status, and I can’t do that unless someone is being unfair to me. If I commit a wrong, my first reaction is to find someone else who did something worse. If someone else earns something, I must have it, too. I can’t be left out and I can’t be called out.
Most people exhibit one of these signs from time to time, but if you find yourself relating to more than one of these signs on a frequent basis, you might have a victim mentality. To find out more about this phenomenon, read more about it here.